Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright-red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
   "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a £5.00 note.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

   "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
   "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."  

Four guys were having a drink in a bar, they were talking about their children and how they had named them after saints days.

The first man said he had a son named George after St Georges day.

The second man said he had a son named Andrew after St Andrews day.

The third man said he had a son named David after St Davids day.

The fourth man said it's our Pancakes birthday next week.